Why I put up with Vinegar-as-Gift

you know those giant novelty martini glasses you can get at wal-mart, on an end cap in the craft section? no? well, they are giant, and I need one RIGHT NOW. FILLED WITH VODKA. maybe a little ice, or a splash of limeade and a jar of maraschino cherries.

As my mom used to tell me, i need to to "take a chill pill". Which should have been an indication that, even at age 8, i was wound a little too tight. What I did not know in third grade was that there are, indeed, real life "chill pills". They are called anti-depressants. And I am beginning to think I may want some.

Why, you may ask?

I have begun jumping to the-worst-possible-scenario conclusions. As in, I have a strange, under the skin knot on my forearm. I first noticed this knot last Sunday, after our return from Silver Springs. Since then, the knot has progressed from:
possible spider bite
to
bruise
to
slowly unraveling tendon, requiring surgery (thank you, Amanda, for setting me straight on that one)
to
horrible parasite picked up in the petting zoo which has laid its eggs under my skin and may begin to eat me from the inside, or conversely, will explode in a swarm from my skin like an alien giving birth to a microscopic army of tiny organisms which will eat my family alive like piranha fleas
to
blood clot, caused my forcing my too-tight wedding rings back on my ring finger, amplified by bloating that could or could not be pre-menstrual (which is also, about all i need right now)

Craig maintains that it is spider bite. He made me hot cocoa with whipped cream, and applied hydro-cortisone cream to my arm.

can i start today over?

I debated making a fresh pot of coffee, but the effort required seemed daunting. So I used old coffee from yesterday. Instead of pouring out in a thick luxurious stream of indulgence, the cream plopped into my cup. I stirred it in and tasted it anyway. The carton smelled lucky, the coffee was okay, but I figured I should not knowingly drink past due dairy while nursing. So I poured it out, washed the french press, heated the kettle, and ground the beans. Poured the water into pot- there was only half as much as I needed. Gerry. Heat more water. Refill sugar bowl, and I am four minutes away from feeling human again.

It's going to be a long four minutes.

at a loss for words

O (looking at a box of wipes with d***** princesses on the cover): what those friends doing?

Me: ummm... nothing

Wow. Those girls are doing nothing at all, but looking beautiful and coyly thinking about their cleavage (that's right, b****. You're busted).

I know these princesses used to do things. Sewing, gathering berries- granted, none of them were getting a Ph.D, but I remember Princess Cleavage always had her nose buried in a book. Where did their props go? When did they become pagent princesses, minus the talent portion?

Say what you will, at least bob the builder always has a tape measure.

thursday, 10:37 am

Owen is outside, digging in the mud. Bridget is in her swing, fed, burped and happy. Everyone in the house is dressed, laundry is rotating from washer to dryer to drawers.

I am having an amazing day, brought to me courtesy of MVJ playing a quick game of hooky, giving me half an hour of parole.

Thank you!

what i need

1. A nap
2. Someone to latch b onto one breast (mine are fine), burp her, roll me over, repeat
3. Earplugs
4. My laundry switched over
5. I tunes updated, songs purchased, playlists made
6. Photos compiled from everyone's cameras, cute ones selected, cd made, photos developed
7. Photos mailed
8. Pedicure
9. Eyebrows waxed
10. IUD ordered (duh)
11. An extra hand to write thank you notes
12. A month long supply of belly bars, so I don't have to think about beakfast or vitamins
13. Library books selected, put on hold, picked up
14. My ipod charger located
15. My baby bathed so she isn't stinky sour
16. A car seat for craig's car
17. New flooring
18. A lady-in-waiting, responsible for bathing and dressing me
19. Calorie free vodka
20. Stomach muscles

Any takers, universe? You can have my credit card.

Swipe.

To Do, 8:15 a.m.

1. Drink at least 3 tervis tumblers of water.
2. Drink coffee, as soon upon waking as possible.
3. Take iron supplements twice daily, plus pre-natal vitamins, dha supplement, fish oil, and folic acid.
4. Do not take anything containing iron with any calcium- coffee, cereal, bellybars (a good source of iron AND calcium- how is this possible?), cheese, etc.
5. Take iron with food
6. Eat small, frequent meals
7. Eat more calcium and protein.
8. Avoid excessive nut consumption to prevent the dreaded peanut allergy
9. Feed baby
10. Burp baby
11. Hold baby as much as possible to promote brain stimulation.
12. Put baby to sleep on back to prevent SIDS
13. Put baby on tummy for tummy time
14. Prevent two year old from running over baby in excitement to see what chihuahua is barking at by the front door.
15. Two year old? Oops.
16. Attempt to feed two year old, who says "no thank you" to every proffered choice, suggesting instead that "owen can please have pop?"
17. Grind your teeth.
18. Debate relative importance of manners, nutrition, and soon to be inevitable tantrum, caused by hunger.
19. Attempt to pee, while holding a baby who has suddenly decided to try and nurse through your clothing.
20. Endure two year old turning bathroom lights and exhaust fan on and off.
21. Distract two year old from bathroom faucet.
22. Extract two year old from bath tub.
23. Return to living room to find two year old eating goldfish and oyster crackers, let it go.
24. Change baby diaper
25. Change two year old
26. Decide to potty train two year old
27. Take a deep breath, pray for 9 a.m. to arrive

note to self

Do not leave headband on b while driving in car. Unattended infants plus headband equals choking hazard. Oops.

*no babies were harmed in the creation of this post, but probably only becuase we were on a very short trip.